... the smile you wear is a mask .....

today i attended my second ever london bbc meet

to be honest .... i feel a little stupid for doing so .... i hate the way ive become ... so anti social and i just have trouble talking to people ... i hate the way im so quiet ..... is this what living in isolation and in general away from any chinese community has done to me?

i dont remember being like that in college ... then again ... was i also like that in college also?

maybe there are people outthere that can relate to it.... but i wonder if anyone else has felt that "isolation"? that feeling you get that you're all alone in this world ... even in crowded places ... you still feel like you're the only person there ....

i hate that solitude .. i hate that feeling and to be honest ... il probably be willing to give everything to destroy that feeling .... cause ... i just dont want to be alone anymore .... im suffering inside .. and you cant see it ... i never let it show ...

because im such a coward like that ....

... to be honest .. im tired of it all ... i walk around in chinatown in london and people always hangout in groups .... i envy them and i am jealous ..... and probably i want to become more like them ....

when at the start of my day .... i went into dim sum at jade garden like i usually do .... and just sat on a table in a conrer by yourself ..... although surronded by people ... that feeling of solitude returns ..... and i just couldnt enjoy my meal like i used to .... it just doesnt feel right anymore ....

.... a lonely existence .... im so tired of it ..... to this year i swore to change the way i live cause i know it wont change itself .... i no longer hold back on travel expenses ..... and i try and fit in again ... but perhaps ... its too late ..... or maybe im just hoping for far too much to happen in such a short time ....

.... nowadays other than work ... i dont really have time for a social life anymore ..... some would say ive been using that all along as an excuse and sometimes i wonder if its true .... cause although my voice denies it ... some part of me inside knows its true .....

ive been spending alot of my time after work in a bbc chat room ... its beenn like that for a good few months now .... at first it was always empty ... but gradually more and more people have started to use it..... it makes me happy that i have some level of recognition when people address me the moment i sign in .... however.....

once again i begin to feel more and more left out ... the people all seem to know each other well .... and talk alot of things ... but i can never seem to find an opening to join in into the conversation .... and is makes me sad .... people talking about their experiances and the things they like and do ..... i never had anything like that ... so i just sit there and watch the screen .... and watch how they talk ..... an once again ... that feeling of being a loner returns ..... in reality and in virtual ...

il always be a loner .... ive tried but maybe im not trying hard enough..... i want to change .... i dont want to be alone anymore ... but it all feels so far beyond my reach ...

maybe il be like this forever .....


and it makes me sad .....

being rained upon alone in this world .... there is nothing that is more depressing .....