yo blog ..... it been a while ..... how you been? i wanna borrow some space to get some things of my chest before i lose myself anymore .... i hope you dont mind
FML stands for F**K my life ..... i cant think of any other way to express all the crap thats been happenening to me non-stop ... im really tired of it all .... i lead a pretty lonely existence and as if that wasnt even enough .... life tries even harder to make my days even more harder to deal with than it already does .... im so sick of it all .... no one to turn too .... i think im gonna end up writing and essay at this rate ....
well ... here goes ...
1 - work
ive heard it all before ... and im sure its not just me .... everyone can have problems with work .... thats pretty natural in life .... although it is possible with an exception of a certain few in this world that actually enjoy the jobs their in ..... obviously ... im not talking about myself .... im belong in the category that have a job they hate ... so bad that they want to escape yet unfortunately cant .... i hear it all the time of how people keep telling me " leave the t/a" "get a new job" "if you're not happy you should quit" ..... im sick of hearing the same crap over and over again ... its not that easy .... you make it sound like it is but .... maybe it cause im just a coward .... for me to be truly free from tha t/a .... it will mean il have to throw away everything ..... and possibly end with having less than that i currently have and possibly in the end with nothing at all .... when i think about it sometimes ... i cant help but feel a little scared perhaps .... im already alone in this world ....
2 - gaming ...
i own 2 ds's ..... cause i had one originally but the hinge broke .... at that time i wasnt aware if it was possible if it could be fixed by buying a replacement shell ....so i brought a new one ..... then in less than a year ... the same thing occured ..... the hinge broke on my new one ..... ffs .... i look after my gaming consoles ..... i take good care of them ... clean them often .... store them in a safe place ..... never dropped them .... so WHY THE FUCK does it still happen?!?!? i remember i was so pissed at that time ..... then when a friend brought me a replacement shell and offered to help me repair my 1st original ds ... i was truly grateful ... i remember how we had spent a couple of hours to do the job .... it was pretty difficult and confusing at times but we finally came through .... and was glad to had a fully good conditioned nintendo ds working again without having to worry about the top half coming off .... except ...i think ... was about 7 months ... the same problem occured ... i admit i was devastated .... the hinge had broken again .... thats when i finally admitted defeat and i just gave up on the nintendo ds .... i locked them both away in a drawer and probably left to collect dust .... i just cant cope with all this crap ..... thats when i decided ... after putting it off for so many years ... to switch to the sony PSP playstation portable .... i had a friend whos brother didnt really play on it anymore and i was offered to buy it .... it was in good condition and rarely used .... it was the very 1st model but i didnt mind .... so yeah ... now i have a psp .... in less than 6 months .... even the psp decided to try and f**k up my life even more..... and congrats ... it succeded .... the button /joystick button came off .... i dont know when .... how .... where it dropped .... but .... FFs why F***King me?!?!?!? GODAMMIT?!?!? *£^)%^!!($!_%&£%&%()£ .... its always been one thing after another .... why do things like this always happen to me .... im so .... tired of it all ..... to you people if you ever happen to read this ... this might not seem like anything special or worth your time for bothering with .... but as im sat here typing this .... it really truly does upset me ..... i really f**king does ....
just to clarify although i like my gaming and really into it ... i dont have that much time to play on it since im working in the t/a all day ... most of the time that i play is when i come home from work for about 2 -3 hours max .... i ....just why ?!?! .....
3 - health
ive been sick for a long time now ..... and there doesnt seemed to be any signs of healing at all ... even though ive been taking regular medicines ..... at night i have trouble breathing sometimes ... like a really heavy weight is crushing me on my chest .... yet at the same time my chest feels kinda .... hollow .... and feels like im being torn apart .... i admit at one point i was even to afraid to sleep .... for now it seems to have stopped and i finally can rest abit more these nights ..... but that was pretty crazy all that happened ..... i dont feel like telling my parents ... cause i dont want to have to deal with more problems than i have to alreay ... they wont understand ...all they care about is the f**king takeaway ... and what would happen if their main worker ..... me .... couldnt work .... they treat me like sh*t .... they dont give a damn .... and i couldnt care less ......
ive come this far ... but there's still far too many things that have happened ... but ... i just dont feel like typing anymore .... so ..... maybe il finish this post another time
[the cup of tea i had made before writing this has gone cold]
fml .....
Monday, 15 November 2010
Thursday, 20 May 2010
lucky number 36
and thats it. the end of my birthday and the next countdown begins .... 365 days to go till im 25 .....
but wow, time sure has flown by rather quickly, its already may..... still feels like its still january only yesterday.
this year was especially nice compared to previous birthdays .....
36 people wished me a happy birthday today thats alot more than last year, or in fact all of my years ..... for me its always been the simplist of things that make me happy
although i do admit im a little dissappointed that some people i knew since childhood didnt leave a message ..... i mean, you have time to play fb games ..... but then again maybe thats just me being selfish and attention seeking ..... oh well, im not bothered .....
overall ive had a good day, and really consent, and now that its all over, its back to reality and all the usual crap i deal with.
thanks to everyone! ^_^
but wow, time sure has flown by rather quickly, its already may..... still feels like its still january only yesterday.
this year was especially nice compared to previous birthdays .....
36 people wished me a happy birthday today thats alot more than last year, or in fact all of my years ..... for me its always been the simplist of things that make me happy
although i do admit im a little dissappointed that some people i knew since childhood didnt leave a message ..... i mean, you have time to play fb games ..... but then again maybe thats just me being selfish and attention seeking ..... oh well, im not bothered .....
overall ive had a good day, and really consent, and now that its all over, its back to reality and all the usual crap i deal with.
thanks to everyone! ^_^
Wednesday, 19 May 2010
8760 days .....
1 year = 365 days
every four years its 365 +1
so 24 years = 8760 days
24 / 4 = 6
so its 8760 + 6 = 8766, which is my current lifespan for the number of days i have lived.
then in that case:
1 day = 24 hrs 1 hour = 60 mins 1 minute = 60 seconds
so by a rough estimate .....
I've been living for 23 years
I've been living for 288 months
I've been living for 1,252 weeks
I've been living for 8,765 days
I've been living for 210,380 hours
I've been living for 12,622,851 minutes
I've been living for 757,371,115 seconds
wow, and quite possibly .... ouch, its amazing how i have survived for so long
Turning 24 feels alot like the same as all my other birthdays, except this time it also felt pretty different, in a nice kinda of way. all the previous years after i left college, i cant help feeling lonely sometimes ..... last year i didnt have the opportunity to meet up with friends, and so i just ended up buying a train ticket and when to london ..... a little like how ma jian in his book "red dust" did the same although my travels when of a obviously much smaller scale.
i remember i spent the whole day by myself just walking around london for hours ..... i can almost remember the exact path i took, the turns i made and the leaps of faith by walking down a road i never been down before just to see where it leads .... (kids, dont try this , you will get lost)
however this year is much different, after learning about bbc's meets and finally gathering up the courage to attend one, im beginning to finally not question my ethnic background and in fact slowly be proud of who i am, its quite a nice feeling being in the same room of bbc's that i could speak to and "hang out" with ..... its like i finally found a place to call home.
well, todays meet was pretty interesting, a change of scenery once again, new location (for me anyway) new restaurant (for me again) ..... basically as someone had described it, it was basically a spanish style dim sum dinner the chicken croquettes were really nice!
im finally starting to remember more of peoples faces and names ..... its such a great feeling when people recognise you, for me, its like they acknoledge your existence ..... and that is what i have been searching for possibly all this time....
i look forward to the next meet. =D
every four years its 365 +1
so 24 years = 8760 days
24 / 4 = 6
so its 8760 + 6 = 8766, which is my current lifespan for the number of days i have lived.
then in that case:
1 day = 24 hrs 1 hour = 60 mins 1 minute = 60 seconds
so by a rough estimate .....
I've been living for 23 years
I've been living for 288 months
I've been living for 1,252 weeks
I've been living for 8,765 days
I've been living for 210,380 hours
I've been living for 12,622,851 minutes
I've been living for 757,371,115 seconds
wow, and quite possibly .... ouch, its amazing how i have survived for so long
Turning 24 feels alot like the same as all my other birthdays, except this time it also felt pretty different, in a nice kinda of way. all the previous years after i left college, i cant help feeling lonely sometimes ..... last year i didnt have the opportunity to meet up with friends, and so i just ended up buying a train ticket and when to london ..... a little like how ma jian in his book "red dust" did the same although my travels when of a obviously much smaller scale.
i remember i spent the whole day by myself just walking around london for hours ..... i can almost remember the exact path i took, the turns i made and the leaps of faith by walking down a road i never been down before just to see where it leads .... (kids, dont try this , you will get lost)
however this year is much different, after learning about bbc's meets and finally gathering up the courage to attend one, im beginning to finally not question my ethnic background and in fact slowly be proud of who i am, its quite a nice feeling being in the same room of bbc's that i could speak to and "hang out" with ..... its like i finally found a place to call home.
well, todays meet was pretty interesting, a change of scenery once again, new location (for me anyway) new restaurant (for me again) ..... basically as someone had described it, it was basically a spanish style dim sum dinner the chicken croquettes were really nice!
im finally starting to remember more of peoples faces and names ..... its such a great feeling when people recognise you, for me, its like they acknoledge your existence ..... and that is what i have been searching for possibly all this time....
i look forward to the next meet. =D
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
"lol" is not a punctuation
well, its been ages since i made a post.
i guess since im bored might aswell right something lol
oh crap ... did it it again. Back in school im sure we was taught that full stops were the correct protocol in order to finishing/ending a sentance (see first sentance)
however times have changed and now has been replaced with "lol" a.k.a "laugh out loud"
.... ive always wondered why people insist that they end everything they say with lol?
i guess its the times where internet dominates a large chunk of our daily lives.
although i just find it plain weird when people, face to face, having just some random discussion, when suddenly one of them says: lol
and im thinking ..... did she really just say that?!
truly shocking, and i think she needs therapy.
lol
i guess since im bored might aswell right something lol
oh crap ... did it it again. Back in school im sure we was taught that full stops were the correct protocol in order to finishing/ending a sentance (see first sentance)
however times have changed and now has been replaced with "lol" a.k.a "laugh out loud"
.... ive always wondered why people insist that they end everything they say with lol?
i guess its the times where internet dominates a large chunk of our daily lives.
although i just find it plain weird when people, face to face, having just some random discussion, when suddenly one of them says: lol
and im thinking ..... did she really just say that?!
truly shocking, and i think she needs therapy.
lol
Saturday, 24 April 2010
sleepless in swindon....
out of boredom i decided to watch sleepless in seattle ...
anyways ....
Difficulty Initiating Sleep,
Difficulty Maintaining Sleep,
Early Morning Awakening,
yeah, no doubt about it ... im sure thats insomnia ...
i couldnt sleep at all last night,its been like this for ages ... on most days i wouldnt even bother sleeping ...
i lay there in my bed staring at the ceiling for hours....
that last conversation in the chat room left me thinking .... about alot of things .... deep inside i knoew they're right .... its all the stuff ive been wanting to hear ...
and its all the things ve heard before
easier said than done....
"sleeping gives us the ambition to dream . . .but steals from us the time to accomplish our dreams"
...if i could.... id rather sleep .....
anyways ....
Difficulty Initiating Sleep,
Difficulty Maintaining Sleep,
Early Morning Awakening,
yeah, no doubt about it ... im sure thats insomnia ...
i couldnt sleep at all last night,its been like this for ages ... on most days i wouldnt even bother sleeping ...
i lay there in my bed staring at the ceiling for hours....
that last conversation in the chat room left me thinking .... about alot of things .... deep inside i knoew they're right .... its all the stuff ive been wanting to hear ...
and its all the things ve heard before
easier said than done....
"sleeping gives us the ambition to dream . . .but steals from us the time to accomplish our dreams"
...if i could.... id rather sleep .....
Monday, 19 April 2010
... the smile you wear is a mask .....
today i attended my second ever london bbc meet
to be honest .... i feel a little stupid for doing so .... i hate the way ive become ... so anti social and i just have trouble talking to people ... i hate the way im so quiet ..... is this what living in isolation and in general away from any chinese community has done to me?
i dont remember being like that in college ... then again ... was i also like that in college also?
maybe there are people outthere that can relate to it.... but i wonder if anyone else has felt that "isolation"? that feeling you get that you're all alone in this world ... even in crowded places ... you still feel like you're the only person there ....
i hate that solitude .. i hate that feeling and to be honest ... il probably be willing to give everything to destroy that feeling .... cause ... i just dont want to be alone anymore .... im suffering inside .. and you cant see it ... i never let it show ...
because im such a coward like that ....
... to be honest .. im tired of it all ... i walk around in chinatown in london and people always hangout in groups .... i envy them and i am jealous ..... and probably i want to become more like them ....
when at the start of my day .... i went into dim sum at jade garden like i usually do .... and just sat on a table in a conrer by yourself ..... although surronded by people ... that feeling of solitude returns ..... and i just couldnt enjoy my meal like i used to .... it just doesnt feel right anymore ....
.... a lonely existence .... im so tired of it ..... to this year i swore to change the way i live cause i know it wont change itself .... i no longer hold back on travel expenses ..... and i try and fit in again ... but perhaps ... its too late ..... or maybe im just hoping for far too much to happen in such a short time ....
.... nowadays other than work ... i dont really have time for a social life anymore ..... some would say ive been using that all along as an excuse and sometimes i wonder if its true .... cause although my voice denies it ... some part of me inside knows its true .....
ive been spending alot of my time after work in a bbc chat room ... its beenn like that for a good few months now .... at first it was always empty ... but gradually more and more people have started to use it..... it makes me happy that i have some level of recognition when people address me the moment i sign in .... however.....
once again i begin to feel more and more left out ... the people all seem to know each other well .... and talk alot of things ... but i can never seem to find an opening to join in into the conversation .... and is makes me sad .... people talking about their experiances and the things they like and do ..... i never had anything like that ... so i just sit there and watch the screen .... and watch how they talk ..... an once again ... that feeling of being a loner returns ..... in reality and in virtual ...
il always be a loner .... ive tried but maybe im not trying hard enough..... i want to change .... i dont want to be alone anymore ... but it all feels so far beyond my reach ...
maybe il be like this forever .....
and it makes me sad .....
being rained upon alone in this world .... there is nothing that is more depressing .....
to be honest .... i feel a little stupid for doing so .... i hate the way ive become ... so anti social and i just have trouble talking to people ... i hate the way im so quiet ..... is this what living in isolation and in general away from any chinese community has done to me?
i dont remember being like that in college ... then again ... was i also like that in college also?
maybe there are people outthere that can relate to it.... but i wonder if anyone else has felt that "isolation"? that feeling you get that you're all alone in this world ... even in crowded places ... you still feel like you're the only person there ....
i hate that solitude .. i hate that feeling and to be honest ... il probably be willing to give everything to destroy that feeling .... cause ... i just dont want to be alone anymore .... im suffering inside .. and you cant see it ... i never let it show ...
because im such a coward like that ....
... to be honest .. im tired of it all ... i walk around in chinatown in london and people always hangout in groups .... i envy them and i am jealous ..... and probably i want to become more like them ....
when at the start of my day .... i went into dim sum at jade garden like i usually do .... and just sat on a table in a conrer by yourself ..... although surronded by people ... that feeling of solitude returns ..... and i just couldnt enjoy my meal like i used to .... it just doesnt feel right anymore ....
.... a lonely existence .... im so tired of it ..... to this year i swore to change the way i live cause i know it wont change itself .... i no longer hold back on travel expenses ..... and i try and fit in again ... but perhaps ... its too late ..... or maybe im just hoping for far too much to happen in such a short time ....
.... nowadays other than work ... i dont really have time for a social life anymore ..... some would say ive been using that all along as an excuse and sometimes i wonder if its true .... cause although my voice denies it ... some part of me inside knows its true .....
ive been spending alot of my time after work in a bbc chat room ... its beenn like that for a good few months now .... at first it was always empty ... but gradually more and more people have started to use it..... it makes me happy that i have some level of recognition when people address me the moment i sign in .... however.....
once again i begin to feel more and more left out ... the people all seem to know each other well .... and talk alot of things ... but i can never seem to find an opening to join in into the conversation .... and is makes me sad .... people talking about their experiances and the things they like and do ..... i never had anything like that ... so i just sit there and watch the screen .... and watch how they talk ..... an once again ... that feeling of being a loner returns ..... in reality and in virtual ...
il always be a loner .... ive tried but maybe im not trying hard enough..... i want to change .... i dont want to be alone anymore ... but it all feels so far beyond my reach ...
maybe il be like this forever .....
and it makes me sad .....
being rained upon alone in this world .... there is nothing that is more depressing .....
Wednesday, 17 February 2010
happy year 2010 (?)
todays date is 17th ..... chinese new year was 3 days ago and happened to be on the same day as valentines .... meh .... valentines what? forget about that its all about the year of the tiger!
as usual i have once again neglected my blog ..... i think a repeat of my attempt to keep a diary maybe resurfacing. i completely ignored january ...... damn you facebook.
as like all the chinese new years in the past, my family (except pk) always go to london on the day after ..... its just a strange custom that seems to have developed randomly out of no where .... in fact its been like that for so many years now, i highly doubt its a coincidence .....
anyway i would like to talk about my trip to london this year, cause unlike my visits in the past .... it was very differnet this time .... a change which in fact made me happy .....
once upon a time ..... it would usually be just me, my sister and mum on the train to london ..... playing cards on the way as usual .... get to paddington, get a tube to piccadilly circus, then head straight to dim sum restuarant "jade garden" ... ive always been going to the same restuarant since childhood ... so that probably wont ever change .... after the meal the 3 of us would then go our separate ways ..... and then thats when it hits me .... that loneliness that always surfaces when i step out into chinatown .... even in the crowded streets and the busy roads of people always seem to be rushing about ...... groups of chinese friends hanging out with each other like always ....deep down i envy them .... in a way ive always wanted to be like them ...... i sigh deeply, turn on my music and as usual walk the path alone ..... i enter a little world of my own ..... and i deny the existance of the reality around me .....
[Journey of a thousand miles begin with single step]
15th of feb, the day after chinese new year and valentines day which happened to cross over ..... great .....
for the first time in my life, this journey to london was entirely different, and its all thanks to her...... when i look back ... i still deep down laugh to myself a little cause its just ..... haha i cant believe it happened ......
i knew her for less than 24hrs ... off facebook .... she appeared on the "friend suggestions" and i dunno why but i just decided to send the request ^^ ...... it all happened very quickly ..... a few comments on a wall post and then suddenly the next day i met her in person ..... she had asked me to do an interview with her about "BBC's" .... at first i paniced lol ..... its been a while since i did anything like that ..... but i couldnt resist ..... it reminds me alittle about myself from along time ago ..... cause i had interest in doing journalism at university once college had finish ... the thought of travelling around the world and writing my experiences ..... and sharing with the whole world the things is saw but the readers couldnt ..... i wouldnt say it was a childhood dream (i still want to be a baker lol) but its something i had an interest in.
i think its fair to say that she was my second only chinese friend .... and in those hours that i spent with her ... i felt like, i could feel that "feeling" ive always longed for ..... the fact i could feel like i was chinese again ...... and although the time wasnt long ..... it still made me happy deep inside .....
thank you! (^^,)b
as usual i have once again neglected my blog ..... i think a repeat of my attempt to keep a diary maybe resurfacing. i completely ignored january ...... damn you facebook.
as like all the chinese new years in the past, my family (except pk) always go to london on the day after ..... its just a strange custom that seems to have developed randomly out of no where .... in fact its been like that for so many years now, i highly doubt its a coincidence .....
anyway i would like to talk about my trip to london this year, cause unlike my visits in the past .... it was very differnet this time .... a change which in fact made me happy .....
once upon a time ..... it would usually be just me, my sister and mum on the train to london ..... playing cards on the way as usual .... get to paddington, get a tube to piccadilly circus, then head straight to dim sum restuarant "jade garden" ... ive always been going to the same restuarant since childhood ... so that probably wont ever change .... after the meal the 3 of us would then go our separate ways ..... and then thats when it hits me .... that loneliness that always surfaces when i step out into chinatown .... even in the crowded streets and the busy roads of people always seem to be rushing about ...... groups of chinese friends hanging out with each other like always ....deep down i envy them .... in a way ive always wanted to be like them ...... i sigh deeply, turn on my music and as usual walk the path alone ..... i enter a little world of my own ..... and i deny the existance of the reality around me .....
[Journey of a thousand miles begin with single step]
15th of feb, the day after chinese new year and valentines day which happened to cross over ..... great .....
for the first time in my life, this journey to london was entirely different, and its all thanks to her...... when i look back ... i still deep down laugh to myself a little cause its just ..... haha i cant believe it happened ......
i knew her for less than 24hrs ... off facebook .... she appeared on the "friend suggestions" and i dunno why but i just decided to send the request ^^ ...... it all happened very quickly ..... a few comments on a wall post and then suddenly the next day i met her in person ..... she had asked me to do an interview with her about "BBC's" .... at first i paniced lol ..... its been a while since i did anything like that ..... but i couldnt resist ..... it reminds me alittle about myself from along time ago ..... cause i had interest in doing journalism at university once college had finish ... the thought of travelling around the world and writing my experiences ..... and sharing with the whole world the things is saw but the readers couldnt ..... i wouldnt say it was a childhood dream (i still want to be a baker lol) but its something i had an interest in.
i think its fair to say that she was my second only chinese friend .... and in those hours that i spent with her ... i felt like, i could feel that "feeling" ive always longed for ..... the fact i could feel like i was chinese again ...... and although the time wasnt long ..... it still made me happy deep inside .....
thank you! (^^,)b
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