i had a dream 2 nights ago, that fact that i still remember is cause im not willing to let it go.....
every moment i keep holding on to it, constantly reminding myself.....
although it was a dream, its the only thing that makes me happy nowadays....
in my dream it starts of in a car journey filled with people i dont know....or perhaps dont remember.... except the girl next to me on my left..... at first i imagined how being sat next to you you might have had a slight look of discomfort on your face....but suddenly you just smiled back and you held my hand...... it felt so real .... it felt like that feeling i prayed for everyday....at that moment i became myself again....even if it was just for a minute.....
from then on we were dating..... we did all the things people on dates do....go out..... eat out...spend time together...go on walks with each other..... spend the nights in each others company while watching the stars together....
i felt truly happy.....
towards the end
i remember we were doing some sort of work together... i remember we were in a chinese school arranging the dinner tables for children..... all the while we joked..... we laughed together....and we shared happiness.....
and then it ended..... the cold winter..... it awoke me......
before i left that dream world i remembered your name, sophie...... it felt like a part of me i had kept away ....had awoken again....it felt like im finally beginning to remember something improtant i had forgotten
where ever you are.... please please please ....i beg ...... i pray....im down on my knees.....continue to keep sending me dreams...let me remember again.....let me remember once more who you were.....once more remind me......who i used to be.....
goodnight......if i could....in such a dream....if it ever comes around again.....let me sleep forever....cause id never want to leave you again....
goodnight .....sophie
Sunday, 8 November 2009
tired of life tired of many things
im deeply sad right now, upset depressed perhaps even angry a little, although my face doesnt show it, truth is deep down, im really crying, i really want to cry out load and just someone, anyone be there and answer .... and tell me never to give up .... i have so much on my mind right now. .....just want to get it off my chest and hopefully try and make myself feel a little better, its what ive been telling people to do when they upset, i guess its my turn....
i have alot to say
where do i begin?
life, i question it, i question my purpose, and why i am here today.... im really struggling now..... its probably not even called "living" perhaps and more accurate term would be " surviving" for these last few years, ie really slaved away at work, constantly trying to improve my cooking and ability, but it just feels like im not getting anywhere ....i tell myself ive done my best....i gave it my all..... but did i really? because of work ive had to give up, perhaps sacrifice many things.....the things, the luxuries and the enjoyments of the people that they do the things they like, ive never had any of that..... and for that i envy them, but in the end i just dont have the heart to hate them, if fact i wish them all the best of life, il just continue being where i am and continue to watch from afar....
people who get to go to university, perhaps you dont realise at first but, personally i think you're all very lucky, perhaps when you get tired of it all just think for a second and show some consideration in your mind, of those of us who wanted and who really wished for and really wanted to go to university, but couldnt, not because i lack ability ....my grades had always been above average ...but just below best...... however, my parents never allowed it, instead, once i finished college i had to go straight into work, and help out at the family shop.......where ive slaved away for many years....since 1997 to be in fact.....because of the shop....
i had to give up my dreams
i had to give up my hopes of going to university
i had to give up my free time
i had to give up the love of my love
i had to give up most of my friends
and....
i had to give up my self
im no longer the person i used to be.....
so much hate...that i cant be bothered to hate no more.....
to all the lucky people in this world
to all the happy people in this world
to perhaps everyone....
treasure the things you do ave and never let it go....otherwise ou may regret it for the rest of your life....
from perhaps an unfortunate lonely sad individual from a small town where il continue to be depressed and continue praying for the one who'll bring me back to life.....
goodnight
p.s just last night, they had the annual fireworks display in the local area.... every year when i could, id take and hour off work to go and see ..... but this year, i didnt think they where that good but maybe thats just me.....i used to think they where beautiful, but i cant see the fireworks in such a way anymore.....
i have alot to say
where do i begin?
life, i question it, i question my purpose, and why i am here today.... im really struggling now..... its probably not even called "living" perhaps and more accurate term would be " surviving" for these last few years, ie really slaved away at work, constantly trying to improve my cooking and ability, but it just feels like im not getting anywhere ....i tell myself ive done my best....i gave it my all..... but did i really? because of work ive had to give up, perhaps sacrifice many things.....the things, the luxuries and the enjoyments of the people that they do the things they like, ive never had any of that..... and for that i envy them, but in the end i just dont have the heart to hate them, if fact i wish them all the best of life, il just continue being where i am and continue to watch from afar....
people who get to go to university, perhaps you dont realise at first but, personally i think you're all very lucky, perhaps when you get tired of it all just think for a second and show some consideration in your mind, of those of us who wanted and who really wished for and really wanted to go to university, but couldnt, not because i lack ability ....my grades had always been above average ...but just below best...... however, my parents never allowed it, instead, once i finished college i had to go straight into work, and help out at the family shop.......where ive slaved away for many years....since 1997 to be in fact.....because of the shop....
i had to give up my dreams
i had to give up my hopes of going to university
i had to give up my free time
i had to give up the love of my love
i had to give up most of my friends
and....
i had to give up my self
im no longer the person i used to be.....
so much hate...that i cant be bothered to hate no more.....
to all the lucky people in this world
to all the happy people in this world
to perhaps everyone....
treasure the things you do ave and never let it go....otherwise ou may regret it for the rest of your life....
from perhaps an unfortunate lonely sad individual from a small town where il continue to be depressed and continue praying for the one who'll bring me back to life.....
goodnight
p.s just last night, they had the annual fireworks display in the local area.... every year when i could, id take and hour off work to go and see ..... but this year, i didnt think they where that good but maybe thats just me.....i used to think they where beautiful, but i cant see the fireworks in such a way anymore.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
