City Of Distant Greys

FML

2010-11-15T17:27:00.000-08:00

yo blog ..... it been a while ..... how you been? i wanna borrow some space to get some things of my chest before i lose myself anymore .... i hope you dont mind

FML stands for F**K my life ..... i cant think of any other way to express all the crap thats been happenening to me non-stop ... im really tired of it all .... i lead a pretty lonely existence and as if that wasnt even enough .... life tries even harder to make my days even more harder to deal with than it already does .... im so sick of it all .... no one to turn too .... i think im gonna end up writing and essay at this rate ....

well ... here goes ...

1 - work

ive heard it all before ... and im sure its not just me .... everyone can have problems with work .... thats pretty natural in life .... although it is possible with an exception of a certain few in this world that actually enjoy the jobs their in ..... obviously ... im not talking about myself .... im belong in the category that have a job they hate ... so bad that they want to escape yet unfortunately cant .... i hear it all the time of how people keep telling me " leave the t/a" "get a new job" "if you're not happy you should quit" ..... im sick of hearing the same crap over and over again ... its not that easy .... you make it sound like it is but .... maybe it cause im just a coward .... for me to be truly free from tha t/a .... it will mean il have to throw away everything ..... and possibly end with having less than that i currently have and possibly in the end with nothing at all .... when i think about it sometimes ... i cant help but feel a little scared perhaps .... im already alone in this world ....

2 - gaming ...

i own 2 ds's ..... cause i had one originally but the hinge broke .... at that time i wasnt aware if it was possible if it could be fixed by buying a replacement shell ....so i brought a new one ..... then in less than a year ... the same thing occured ..... the hinge broke on my new one ..... ffs .... i look after my gaming consoles ..... i take good care of them ... clean them often .... store them in a safe place ..... never dropped them .... so WHY THE FUCK does it still happen?!?!? i remember i was so pissed at that time ..... then when a friend brought me a replacement shell and offered to help me repair my 1st original ds ... i was truly grateful ... i remember how we had spent a couple of hours to do the job .... it was pretty difficult and confusing at times but we finally came through .... and was glad to had a fully good conditioned nintendo ds working again without having to worry about the top half coming off .... except ...i think ... was about 7 months ... the same problem occured ... i admit i was devastated .... the hinge had broken again .... thats when i finally admitted defeat and i just gave up on the nintendo ds .... i locked them both away in a drawer and probably left to collect dust .... i just cant cope with all this crap ..... thats when i decided ... after putting it off for so many years ... to switch to the sony PSP playstation portable .... i had a friend whos brother didnt really play on it anymore and i was offered to buy it .... it was in good condition and rarely used .... it was the very 1st model but i didnt mind .... so yeah ... now i have a psp .... in less than 6 months .... even the psp decided to try and f**k up my life even more..... and congrats ... it succeded .... the button /joystick button came off .... i dont know when .... how .... where it dropped .... but .... FFs why F***King me?!?!?!? GODAMMIT?!?!? *£^)%^!!($!_%&£%&%()£ .... its always been one thing after another .... why do things like this always happen to me .... im so .... tired of it all ..... to you people if you ever happen to read this ... this might not seem like anything special or worth your time for bothering with .... but as im sat here typing this .... it really truly does upset me ..... i really f**king does ....

just to clarify although i like my gaming and really into it ... i dont have that much time to play on it since im working in the t/a all day ... most of the time that i play is when i come home from work for about 2 -3 hours max .... i ....just why ?!?! .....

3 - health

ive been sick for a long time now ..... and there doesnt seemed to be any signs of healing at all ... even though ive been taking regular medicines ..... at night i have trouble breathing sometimes ... like a really heavy weight is crushing me on my chest .... yet at the same time my chest feels kinda .... hollow .... and feels like im being torn apart .... i admit at one point i was even to afraid to sleep .... for now it seems to have stopped and i finally can rest abit more these nights ..... but that was pretty crazy all that happened ..... i dont feel like telling my parents ... cause i dont want to have to deal with more problems than i have to alreay ... they wont understand ...all they care about is the f**king takeaway ... and what would happen if their main worker ..... me .... couldnt work .... they treat me like sh*t .... they dont give a damn .... and i couldnt care less ......

ive come this far ... but there's still far too many things that have happened ... but ... i just dont feel like typing anymore .... so ..... maybe il finish this post another time

[the cup of tea i had made before writing this has gone cold]

fml .....

lucky number 36

2010-05-20T17:41:00.000-07:00

and thats it. the end of my birthday and the next countdown begins .... 365 days to go till im 25 .....

but wow, time sure has flown by rather quickly, its already may..... still feels like its still january only yesterday.

this year was especially nice compared to previous birthdays .....

36 people wished me a happy birthday today thats alot more than last year, or in fact all of my years ..... for me its always been the simplist of things that make me happy

although i do admit im a little dissappointed that some people i knew since childhood didnt leave a message ..... i mean, you have time to play fb games ..... but then again maybe thats just me being selfish and attention seeking ..... oh well, im not bothered .....

overall ive had a good day, and really consent, and now that its all over, its back to reality and all the usual crap i deal with.

thanks to everyone! ^_^

8760 days .....

2010-05-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

1 year = 365 days

every four years its 365 +1

so 24 years = 8760 days

24 / 4 = 6

so its 8760 + 6 = 8766, which is my current lifespan for the number of days i have lived.

then in that case:

1 day = 24 hrs 1 hour = 60 mins 1 minute = 60 seconds

so by a rough estimate .....

I've been living for 23 years
I've been living for 288 months
I've been living for 1,252 weeks
I've been living for 8,765 days
I've been living for 210,380 hours
I've been living for 12,622,851 minutes
I've been living for 757,371,115 seconds

wow, and quite possibly .... ouch, its amazing how i have survived for so long

Turning 24 feels alot like the same as all my other birthdays, except this time it also felt pretty different, in a nice kinda of way. all the previous years after i left college, i cant help feeling lonely sometimes ..... last year i didnt have the opportunity to meet up with friends, and so i just ended up buying a train ticket and when to london ..... a little like how ma jian in his book "red dust" did the same although my travels when of a obviously much smaller scale.

i remember i spent the whole day by myself just walking around london for hours ..... i can almost remember the exact path i took, the turns i made and the leaps of faith by walking down a road i never been down before just to see where it leads .... (kids, dont try this , you will get lost)

however this year is much different, after learning about bbc's meets and finally gathering up the courage to attend one, im beginning to finally not question my ethnic background and in fact slowly be proud of who i am, its quite a nice feeling being in the same room of bbc's that i could speak to and "hang out" with ..... its like i finally found a place to call home.

well, todays meet was pretty interesting, a change of scenery once again, new location (for me anyway) new restaurant (for me again) ..... basically as someone had described it, it was basically a spanish style dim sum dinner the chicken croquettes were really nice!

im finally starting to remember more of peoples faces and names ..... its such a great feeling when people recognise you, for me, its like they acknoledge your existence ..... and that is what i have been searching for possibly all this time....

i look forward to the next meet. =D

"lol" is not a punctuation

2010-05-04T11:27:00.000-07:00

well, its been ages since i made a post.

i guess since im bored might aswell right something lol

oh crap ... did it it again. Back in school im sure we was taught that full stops were the correct protocol in order to finishing/ending a sentance (see first sentance)

however times have changed and now has been replaced with "lol" a.k.a "laugh out loud"

.... ive always wondered why people insist that they end everything they say with lol?
i guess its the times where internet dominates a large chunk of our daily lives.

although i just find it plain weird when people, face to face, having just some random discussion, when suddenly one of them says: lol

and im thinking ..... did she really just say that?!

truly shocking, and i think she needs therapy.

lol

sleepless in swindon....

2010-04-24T04:21:00.000-07:00

out of boredom i decided to watch sleepless in seattle ...

anyways ....

Difficulty Initiating Sleep,
Difficulty Maintaining Sleep,
Early Morning Awakening,

yeah, no doubt about it ... im sure thats insomnia ...

i couldnt sleep at all last night,its been like this for ages ... on most days i wouldnt even bother sleeping ...

i lay there in my bed staring at the ceiling for hours....
that last conversation in the chat room left me thinking .... about alot of things .... deep inside i knoew they're right .... its all the stuff ive been wanting to hear ...

and its all the things ve heard before

easier said than done....

"sleeping gives us the ambition to dream . . .but steals from us the time to accomplish our dreams"

...if i could.... id rather sleep .....

... the smile you wear is a mask .....

2010-04-19T17:55:00.000-07:00

today i attended my second ever london bbc meet

to be honest .... i feel a little stupid for doing so .... i hate the way ive become ... so anti social and i just have trouble talking to people ... i hate the way im so quiet ..... is this what living in isolation and in general away from any chinese community has done to me?

i dont remember being like that in college ... then again ... was i also like that in college also?

maybe there are people outthere that can relate to it.... but i wonder if anyone else has felt that "isolation"? that feeling you get that you're all alone in this world ... even in crowded places ... you still feel like you're the only person there ....

i hate that solitude .. i hate that feeling and to be honest ... il probably be willing to give everything to destroy that feeling .... cause ... i just dont want to be alone anymore .... im suffering inside .. and you cant see it ... i never let it show ...

because im such a coward like that ....

... to be honest .. im tired of it all ... i walk around in chinatown in london and people always hangout in groups .... i envy them and i am jealous ..... and probably i want to become more like them ....

when at the start of my day .... i went into dim sum at jade garden like i usually do .... and just sat on a table in a conrer by yourself ..... although surronded by people ... that feeling of solitude returns ..... and i just couldnt enjoy my meal like i used to .... it just doesnt feel right anymore ....

.... a lonely existence .... im so tired of it ..... to this year i swore to change the way i live cause i know it wont change itself .... i no longer hold back on travel expenses ..... and i try and fit in again ... but perhaps ... its too late ..... or maybe im just hoping for far too much to happen in such a short time ....

.... nowadays other than work ... i dont really have time for a social life anymore ..... some would say ive been using that all along as an excuse and sometimes i wonder if its true .... cause although my voice denies it ... some part of me inside knows its true .....

ive been spending alot of my time after work in a bbc chat room ... its beenn like that for a good few months now .... at first it was always empty ... but gradually more and more people have started to use it..... it makes me happy that i have some level of recognition when people address me the moment i sign in .... however.....

once again i begin to feel more and more left out ... the people all seem to know each other well .... and talk alot of things ... but i can never seem to find an opening to join in into the conversation .... and is makes me sad .... people talking about their experiances and the things they like and do ..... i never had anything like that ... so i just sit there and watch the screen .... and watch how they talk ..... an once again ... that feeling of being a loner returns ..... in reality and in virtual ...

il always be a loner .... ive tried but maybe im not trying hard enough..... i want to change .... i dont want to be alone anymore ... but it all feels so far beyond my reach ...

maybe il be like this forever .....

and it makes me sad .....

being rained upon alone in this world .... there is nothing that is more depressing .....

happy year 2010 (?)

2010-02-17T17:54:00.000-08:00

todays date is 17th ..... chinese new year was 3 days ago and happened to be on the same day as valentines .... meh .... valentines what? forget about that its all about the year of the tiger!

as usual i have once again neglected my blog ..... i think a repeat of my attempt to keep a diary maybe resurfacing. i completely ignored january ...... damn you facebook.

as like all the chinese new years in the past, my family (except pk) always go to london on the day after ..... its just a strange custom that seems to have developed randomly out of no where .... in fact its been like that for so many years now, i highly doubt its a coincidence .....

anyway i would like to talk about my trip to london this year, cause unlike my visits in the past .... it was very differnet this time .... a change which in fact made me happy .....

once upon a time ..... it would usually be just me, my sister and mum on the train to london ..... playing cards on the way as usual .... get to paddington, get a tube to piccadilly circus, then head straight to dim sum restuarant "jade garden" ... ive always been going to the same restuarant since childhood ... so that probably wont ever change .... after the meal the 3 of us would then go our separate ways ..... and then thats when it hits me .... that loneliness that always surfaces when i step out into chinatown .... even in the crowded streets and the busy roads of people always seem to be rushing about ...... groups of chinese friends hanging out with each other like always ....deep down i envy them .... in a way ive always wanted to be like them ...... i sigh deeply, turn on my music and as usual walk the path alone ..... i enter a little world of my own ..... and i deny the existance of the reality around me .....

[Journey of a thousand miles begin with single step]

15th of feb, the day after chinese new year and valentines day which happened to cross over ..... great .....

for the first time in my life, this journey to london was entirely different, and its all thanks to her...... when i look back ... i still deep down laugh to myself a little cause its just ..... haha i cant believe it happened ......

i knew her for less than 24hrs ... off facebook .... she appeared on the "friend suggestions" and i dunno why but i just decided to send the request ^^ ...... it all happened very quickly ..... a few comments on a wall post and then suddenly the next day i met her in person ..... she had asked me to do an interview with her about "BBC's" .... at first i paniced lol ..... its been a while since i did anything like that ..... but i couldnt resist ..... it reminds me alittle about myself from along time ago ..... cause i had interest in doing journalism at university once college had finish ... the thought of travelling around the world and writing my experiences ..... and sharing with the whole world the things is saw but the readers couldnt ..... i wouldnt say it was a childhood dream (i still want to be a baker lol) but its something i had an interest in.

i think its fair to say that she was my second only chinese friend .... and in those hours that i spent with her ... i felt like, i could feel that "feeling" ive always longed for ..... the fact i could feel like i was chinese again ...... and although the time wasnt long ..... it still made me happy deep inside .....

thank you! (^^,)b

亦欠過很多女人 .....

2009-12-08T11:12:00.000-08:00

無賴

Rascal

填詞/作曲：李峻一編曲：Ted Lo 監製：Gary Chan

我間中飲醉酒　很喜歡自由

Sometimes I drink till I'm drunk / I like to have freedom

常犯錯愛說謊　但總會內疚

I always make mistake and I love to lie / But I do feel guilty

遇過很多的損友　學到貪新厭舊

I've met dozens of unsrupulous friends / I learned to prefer new things and abandon the old ones

亦欠過很多女人

I owe to so many women

怕結婚只會守　三分鐘諾言

I'm afraid of marriage / I never keep to my promise

曾話過要戒煙　但講了就算

I've promised to quite smoking but I was just simply saying

夢與想丟低很遠　但對返工厭倦

I've forgotten my dreams / I'm fed up of my job

自小不會打算

I'm bad in planning my life since I was little

＊但是仍　(在地球)　唯獨妳愛我這廢人

But there's still (in the world) only you who love this uselss me　

出錯妳都肯去忍

You bear my mistakes and my faults　

然而誰亦早知不會合襯

We both know that we're not suitable for each other　

偏偏妳願意等

Yet you're still willing to wait　

為何還喜歡我　我這種無賴

Why do you still love me, a rascal like me?　

是話妳蠢還是很偉大

Are you too silly or are you too generous?　

在座每位都將我踩　口碑有多壞

Everyone bashes me / No matter how bad my reputation is　

但妳亦永遠不見怪

But you never seem to care about that　

何必跟我　我這種無賴

Why are you with me, a rascal like me?　

活大半生還是很失敗

Having lived half of my life yet I'm so useless　

但是妳死都不變心　跟我笑著捱

But your faith never breaks / You struggle with me with a grin　

就算壞　我也不忍心　(偷偷作怪)

＊However bad I am / I won't be cruel enough to cheat on you

沒有根的野草　飄忽的命途

My life is like the weed without root

誰像妳當我寶　什麼也做到

Only you appreciate me / Do everything for me

舊愛數足一匹布　在這刻寫句號

My previous love is a long list / But I'm putting a full stop (period) to it

只想跟妳終老

I want only to be with you till old

REPEAT＊還喜歡我　我這種無賴

You still love me, a rascal like me

是話妳蠢還是很偉大

Are you too silly or are you too generous?

在座每位都將我踩　口碑有多壞

Everyone bashes me / No matter how bad my reputation is

但妳亦永遠不見怪

But you never seem to care about that

何必跟我　我這種無賴

Why are you with me, a rascal like me?

活大半生還是很失敗

Having lived half of my life yet I'm so useless

但是妳死都不變心　跟我拼命捱

But your faith never breaks / You struggle with me

換轉別個　也不忍心　偷偷作怪

Even if it's for others / No one will be cruel enough to cheat on you

====================================================================

Il sing this song forever .....

2 nights before

2009-11-08T17:02:00.001-08:00

i had a dream 2 nights ago, that fact that i still remember is cause im not willing to let it go.....
every moment i keep holding on to it, constantly reminding myself.....

although it was a dream, its the only thing that makes me happy nowadays....

in my dream it starts of in a car journey filled with people i dont know....or perhaps dont remember.... except the girl next to me on my left..... at first i imagined how being sat next to you you might have had a slight look of discomfort on your face....but suddenly you just smiled back and you held my hand...... it felt so real .... it felt like that feeling i prayed for everyday....at that moment i became myself again....even if it was just for a minute.....

from then on we were dating..... we did all the things people on dates do....go out..... eat out...spend time together...go on walks with each other..... spend the nights in each others company while watching the stars together....

i felt truly happy.....

towards the end

i remember we were doing some sort of work together... i remember we were in a chinese school arranging the dinner tables for children..... all the while we joked..... we laughed together....and we shared happiness.....

and then it ended..... the cold winter..... it awoke me......

before i left that dream world i remembered your name, sophie...... it felt like a part of me i had kept away ....had awoken again....it felt like im finally beginning to remember something improtant i had forgotten

where ever you are.... please please please ....i beg ...... i pray....im down on my knees.....continue to keep sending me dreams...let me remember again.....let me remember once more who you were.....once more remind me......who i used to be.....

goodnight......if i could....in such a dream....if it ever comes around again.....let me sleep forever....cause id never want to leave you again....

goodnight .....sophie

tired of life tired of many things

2009-11-08T16:41:00.000-08:00

im deeply sad right now, upset depressed perhaps even angry a little, although my face doesnt show it, truth is deep down, im really crying, i really want to cry out load and just someone, anyone be there and answer .... and tell me never to give up .... i have so much on my mind right now. .....just want to get it off my chest and hopefully try and make myself feel a little better, its what ive been telling people to do when they upset, i guess its my turn....

i have alot to say

where do i begin?

life, i question it, i question my purpose, and why i am here today.... im really struggling now..... its probably not even called "living" perhaps and more accurate term would be " surviving" for these last few years, ie really slaved away at work, constantly trying to improve my cooking and ability, but it just feels like im not getting anywhere ....i tell myself ive done my best....i gave it my all..... but did i really? because of work ive had to give up, perhaps sacrifice many things.....the things, the luxuries and the enjoyments of the people that they do the things they like, ive never had any of that..... and for that i envy them, but in the end i just dont have the heart to hate them, if fact i wish them all the best of life, il just continue being where i am and continue to watch from afar....

people who get to go to university, perhaps you dont realise at first but, personally i think you're all very lucky, perhaps when you get tired of it all just think for a second and show some consideration in your mind, of those of us who wanted and who really wished for and really wanted to go to university, but couldnt, not because i lack ability ....my grades had always been above average ...but just below best...... however, my parents never allowed it, instead, once i finished college i had to go straight into work, and help out at the family shop.......where ive slaved away for many years....since 1997 to be in fact.....because of the shop....

i had to give up my dreams
i had to give up my hopes of going to university
i had to give up my free time
i had to give up the love of my love
i had to give up most of my friends
and....
i had to give up my self

im no longer the person i used to be.....

so much hate...that i cant be bothered to hate no more.....

to all the lucky people in this world
to all the happy people in this world
to perhaps everyone....

treasure the things you do ave and never let it go....otherwise ou may regret it for the rest of your life....

from perhaps an unfortunate lonely sad individual from a small town where il continue to be depressed and continue praying for the one who'll bring me back to life.....

goodnight

p.s just last night, they had the annual fireworks display in the local area.... every year when i could, id take and hour off work to go and see ..... but this year, i didnt think they where that good but maybe thats just me.....i used to think they where beautiful, but i cant see the fireworks in such a way anymore.....

Confession....

2009-10-08T17:43:00.000-07:00

i once had a relationship when i met her for the first time.....but then it became a L D R cause i realised where she was (>_<)...... so im now here in the u.k. and shes over at the other side of the world (australia, brisbane) pretty far eh? haha sometimes i consider those to be the most happiest moments of my life....yet sometimes i cant help but feel sad ......i really do still kinda miss her ( ; _ ; ) ..... i remember our relationship lasted for about 1 yr and a half...... but i eventually decided to give up and let her go..... cause i felt guilty for "keeping" her to myself....i mean like i couldnt give her the things like i used to....i couldnt perform person to person things i was just a voice on the other side of a computer monitor...id walk around in parks and id see couples everywhere...i couldnt give her anything like that...i felt like i was selfish trying to hold on to something i couldnt even reach anymore........ truth is i couldnt say it..... so i decided to just ignore her.....i quit speaking to her on msn and social networks and emails and etc...... and till this very day i still regret it....in fact after just a month i wanted to get in contact again...but i fell ill and had to remain in hospital for long periods of time.....so i couldnt even if i wanted.......
several years later i found her again on facebook..... and after long period of time.....i gathered the courage to speak to her again.....and so now we're just friends.........its good enough for me and im happy again that shes returned into my life...... just as friends though......and to be honest im satisfied with just that ..... or am i really?

Sometimes.....

2009-09-10T17:22:00.000-07:00

sometimes i just want to break down.
sometimes i just want to give up.
sometimes i just want to cry.
sometimes i just want to scream.
sometimes i just want to love.
sometimes i just want to be alone.
sometimes i just want to hate.
sometimes i just want to die.
sometimes i just want to live.
sometimes i just want to reach my goal.
sometimes i just want to push myself.
sometimes i just want to bleed.
sometimes i just want to eat and eat.
sometimes i just want to know why people live, why people have feelings, why people do the things they do.
sometimes im so lost.

i just wanna....

2009-08-01T16:36:00.000-07:00

i swear one day im gonna make it....
this cursed hold you got on me.... il break it....

ever wonder how your last moments of your life could end up? ever wondered what you'd do with the time left available to you?

cause if it was up to me.... id....

go to london > trafalgar square (probably spelt wrong) in front of hundreds of people i never even seen before and il just ROCK!!!!! bringing japanese style rock to the populace.....

with this guitar

id rock so hard until my fingers bled
id rock so hard it would piss off the other entertainers in the square
id rock so hard it would startle all the birds and watch as they all fly away
id rock so hard that crowds of fans would gather
id rock so hard that the pigeons wouldnt even dare come close and sh*t on us
id rock so hard that id cough out blood and signify that the end is near

oh yeah.... and our band would be called SOMA (^^,)

yeah yeah keep dreaming weirdo (lol and now im talking to myself)

ha ha ha oyasumi all!

dreams

2009-06-26T06:36:00.001-07:00

in my lifetime i had always thought: "sleeping gives us the ambition to dream . . .but steals from us the time to accomplish our dreams" i hope i could sleep forever and live in my dreams where i can find eternal hapiness,,,,,..... than rather facing reality and try to live like my dream while knowing that it will be more difficult i dream of a girl . . . .i wish to be by her side forever . . .but it could never happen..... my life had always seemed like i was living in a nightmare when will the time come for me to awake? i had always thought about whne im older i would go and live in the antartic, although cold i know they get 24hr sunlight day after day, at least if i did move my life would be better than the darkness im surrounding in in my life . . .

unspoken code of vulgar[ism]

2009-06-19T06:38:00.001-07:00

Its not what you think ha ha..... Spoke to an old friend the other day, and suddenly reminded of lots of funny moments (^^,) names have been changed. My remains as proof of innocence ; ) it begins here> *some cafe somewhere. Him:Whoa, check out the girl over there man! Tom:tea please, but can i have brown sugar Him:seriously.... Look at those breasts... What cup you reckon? Tom: (ignoring "him") thanks (speaking to waiter) Him:man, the way she wears such a tight top.... Pure eye candy man! I bet she about a D cup or something.... What do you think? Tom:flying cup him:what?! *sound of cup hitting "him" on the forehead apparently thrown by accident by a child a few seats away LMAO* i was thinking of drowning the idiotic perv..... But the cup headshot by a 5 year old ....was strangely satisfying..... ^^

Endless ..... R ..... work

2009-06-18T17:38:00.000-07:00

Work..... The only way to survive in this ugly world "if you dont work, you dont eat" a simple philosophy thats be forced upon me probably since the moment i began to stand on my own two feet..... Seconds became minutes, minutes became hours, hours became days, days became months,months became years.... Its already been 11 years now.... And feel just as tired as ever..... Although its not that i entirely dislike work cause i can accept that work is a matter of life and cant be avoided..... To be honest i find myself more angry with my job because of ALL the things i had to give up, all the things i cant have. I think to myself was things always this difficult? Was it always this depressing? Was it always this stressful? Was it always this sad? Was it always this lonely? Its been 5 years now...... So.... How are you? Where are you? I cant cook like the way i used to anymore...... I cant sing those songs anymore .... I realised that i cant do anything anymore since that day you died.....I still cant forget...

il be there when the rain stops....

2009-06-07T02:28:00.000-07:00

For Someone dear to me i dedicate this written piece as one of my better pieces i have written. It begins here > Moments before you leave, go through your phonebook, and tell everyone you are leaving ask for them to take you to the airport, never try to hide it, there can be no definite answer, but at least i will, cause i was always here waiting for your call. The one who will drive you is a true friend, the one that sees you leave is a good friend and the one sat next to you on the plane is someone you can spend your life with, although spoken like three different people, sometimes we can forget that its possible that we are refering to the same person..... Cause although i cant drive, il make sure you'll reach the airport, although i cant bear to see you leave il make sure im there to say goodbye, And although im afraid of heights and flying il make sure im there to surprise you as il sit down in the seat next to yours and hold your hand so that you wont need to be afraid of being alone anymore.......

without you

2009-06-06T04:29:00.000-07:00

. . . . . . . . . . . . I dont think i can go on anymore . . . . . Life here is becoming . . . . . . increasingly unfair and unbearable . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Im so tired now . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What would you have me do Elisa? . . . . . . . . . What words . . . . . . . . . . what voice . . . . . . . . . what song . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . would you use to keep me going? . . . . . . . . . . what should i do? . . . . . . . . Il come and bring fresh flowers soon . . . . . . . . . . Please . . . . . . . . . Continue to watch over me . . . . . . . . . . . . Just like you always have been . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and . . . for that . . . . . . . arigato . . . . . . . and . . . . . . . . . . sayonara.

endless rain

2009-06-05T04:37:00.000-07:00

The clouds are grey, it looks like rain again. here in england there is always rain, then again there is rain everywhere you go, its just a matter of how much. but to me, the rain in england, it feels different, when rained upon here in england i feel sad....... depressed even, cause there is no greater sadness in my opinion than being rained upon alone in this world. however if i was rained upon in hong kong or china. i remember.... i felt happy.....cause you was there........together we were rained upon......and we laughed as we played in the streets and splashed around in puddles. But i can no longer experiance those kind of memories again.....at least i guess when it rains.....although you cant see it....im crying.

Empty bottle filled with nothing...

2009-06-02T04:12:00.000-07:00

01/06/2009 sunny.
Its been a while since i wrote an entry... But for some reason i felt like writing something again... Today was really sunny and very nice with a slight breeze here in england which can be very rare to have. However i guess i kinda wasted such a good day by spending most of it indoors.... Kfc, Xbox,wii, chor dee, watched random videos online.... Then when i suddenly thought.... How crap,boring and in general totally pointless my life is >_< just feels like im not getting anywhere in life... Is this how it ends?! Sad ... I feel so weak... Like i can no longer accomplish anything... I once had dreams.... Just like any one would do.... The effect of losing something precious... Can truly change a way a person becomes. Sadly my life is tied down with burdens i think i can no longer carry....only through music do i feel.... A slight touch of freedom... This freedom i have longed for so much.... Almost within reach....foolish and selfish as always...we all want things that can be forbidden to us just out of reach...obtaining what we seek could mean for me....."to gain all, to lose all" i dont know how long i can carry on...but i swear it was much easier.....everything was fine when you were still around.....i miss you so much....please....continue to watch me from heaven.......let oyu shining rays guide me forever more